Whilst I was in Edinburgh I got to take part in one of my new favorite things, the EXCELLENT FanFiction Comedy. An idea from the minds of some funny Kiwi Superdudes where comedians create and then read out FanFiction.
It is brilliant. They let me play twice and here are my two FanFic pieces.
This was my second piece but it’s my favorite so I’m ignoring chronology.
It had been 18 months since she’d left and the calls had become less frequent. She’d missed his latest concert and there were fewer and fewer letters arriving in the post. He was sad that is best friend had left him. Yes she was happily married and living in the most comfortable surroundings but he missed her being under the sea.
It had been two weeks since he’d heard Ariel’s voice on the magic conch shell and Sebastian was getting more and more depressed. “Things are much better, down where it’s wetter” he cried into his Crabbie’s Ginger Beer “it’s not hotter under the water” he weeped. He wanted to be back with her he missed his little Ariel. He didn’t even have Flounder any more, he’d run off with that harp playing carp and opened a bed and breakfast in the gay part of the ocean, the bit closest to Australia.
“I can see that you’re upset” came a familiar brassy voice. Ursula the sea witch ushered into Sebastian’s split level penthouse with reef view. “Ursula? I thought you were dead” he exclaimed, “oh no, that wasn’t me dying dear boy. I’m like a cat, I’ve got nine lives and I’ll shit wherever the fuck I want. I can help you out. You miss Ariel don’t you? I’ll do the same spell on you as I did on her if you’d like”
Sebastian thought about it. He wasn’t sure. She was a tricksy one, but he really really wanted to see Ariel again. “What’s the price?” He asked. “Not much…” She said “just your slightly racist voice”. “Okay” answered Sebastian “how do I make the spell last?” “You need to be accepted into the royal court by Prince Eric” Ursula responded with an overly sexualised shimmy for the dads, “but remember, if he doesn’t you will live here forever as one of those shrivelled up bogie things”.
Sebastian agreed to the terms, signed the contract and Ursuala began to magic.
“Beluga sevruga Come winds of the Caspian Sea Larengix glaucitis Et max laryngitis La voce to me Now sing”
“Under da sea”
“Under da sea”
“Under da s s s s ”
Sebastian was lifted into the air, witch is less exciting as essentially you can be suspended in any bit of the sea if you swim hard enough, but, there was lightning and sparkles and that made it a little more impressive.
The next thing Sebastian knew was that he woke up on a beach. He looked down… “LEGS” he thought, his voice had been taken, remember? But then he looked at where his arms should be… They were still claws. He had a flash back “I’ll do the same spell on you as I did on her if you’d like”. Oh god. She’d been entirely literal, it was exactly the same, she’d removed his leg claws and replaced them with human legs. He was a silent crab with human legs. He attempted to stand, it was harder than expected but once up he did enjoy the experience of walking forwards and backwards, so much more efficient than sideways he thought.
He made his way to Prince Eric’s castle and kicked the door, knocking with claws is hard. A doorman answered and immediately vomited on the floor at the hideous sight of the crab human hybrid. Sebastian took this opportunity and stumbled past him up towards Ariel’s chamber.
She saw him looming up the stairs. She screamed ‘ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh, ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh’ “oh my god, Sebastian, is that you?” Ariel asked, Sebastian nodded “did Ursula do this to you?” Enquired Ariel, he nodded again “but why? You’re a crustacean, you could come out of the sea at any time to see me, you don’t need to be… whatever this is”
Sebastian realised how ridiculous he had been, it wasn’t just up to Ariel to make the effort to see him, he could have made the effort too. Instead of being such a shut in he should have just popped out of the sea to see her, they’d fired that psycho chef so he would be safe. He wanted to tell Ariel how sorry he was, but he couldn’t and Ariel had lost the telepathic ability that all seafolk have so he could even think it too her. He slumped down and begin to cry salty tears. Ariel hugged him “what was the price? How do we turn this back?” There was no way to tell her, it was such an odd request, Ursula had won there was no way out of it he would never get his old life back and he didn’t want Ursula to win. He jumped up, ran to the kitchen and dove head first into a large pot of boiling water to end it all.
Ariel was sad, but there was enough Crab Leg meat to feed the entire castle and Sebastian was delicious. It’s what he would have wanted, as he said himself.
The fish on the land ain’t happy They sad ’cause they in their bowl But fish in the bowl is lucky They in for a worser fate One day when the boss get hungry Guess who’s gon’ be on de plate
It was you Sebastian, you were on de plate.
So the moral is guys, if you want to stay in contact with someone. Put the effort in.
and here is my second…
She wasn’t snooping, he’d just popped to the bathroom and it was in front of her. She couldn’t resist, he was always so protective of it, never let it out of his sight. She swiped to unlock and typed in the code, it was 66873 on everything. Instantly a message came in, without thinking she pressed to read it.
It said “wow you really know how to treat a duck mr big cheese”. Minnie’s heart sank. Her technicolor dress changed to a monochrome black. Mickey was cheating on her, and with a duck. Her best friend and his best friends girl. How long had it been going on? So many questions.
Mickey arrived back at the table, he saw Minnie with the phone in her hand ‘oh boy’ he exclaimed. “What’s wrong Minnie, what is it?”.
“I thought you’d changed Mickey, this is why we’ll never get married, first it was that cushion you enchanted, god knows what you did to it, it’s disgusting. I forgave you that but then you ran away to captain a steamboat and now, and now you’re fucking a duck” the Ink and Paint club went silent, the two biggest animated stars were arguing. No one had ever seen them like this, they were never in the papers and always seemed happy. Mickey had even gone overboard on Oprah with his love for her. There had been rumours, of course, famous couples never get away with anything. Poor Goofy however has been dragged through the gutter since the suspicious death of Max’s mum.
Mickey didn’t know what to say. He had been sleeping with Daisy. He tried to explain to Minnie that it all started so innocently, everyone knows about Donald’s temper and Daisy needed someone to talk to. She confided in Mickey as so many did, his big eyes offered a sense of comfort. He was adamant that it hadn’t gone on long, he was just curious. He’d only ever been with mice and he’d heard that once you go duck you never go buck.
Minnie couldn’t take it. She stormed out of the restaurant and didn’t even finish her cheese. Mickey sat slumped in his chair. He knew it was over forever.
In the following days the toontown media went wild. Daisy was labeled an adulteress and Donald turned to drink. Hewey Dewey and Louis weren’t allowed to stay with them anymore, Scrooge McDuck is too old and crazy to look after them and Gizmo Duck has corroded, they had to go into care.
Mickey had moved into Goofy’s house, he was scared because whilst him and Goofy were colleagues he was still scared by his terrifying expressions and couldn’t fully understand anything he said. Minnie had custody of Pluto as Goofy didn’t like to be reminded of dogs with special needs.
Mickey and Minnie continued to work together. It was frosty and the cartoons weren’t as fun to watch. It got more and more obvious that Minnie would prefer it if Pete won her hand during the films especially when it came out in the papers that Pete and Minnie had started seeing each other.
Mickey was devastated as he read the engagement announcement in the paper. Why couldn’t he have just moused up and asked for Minnie’s hand.
If you get to be near a place where FanFiction Comedy is happening then GO GO GO. Also follow them on twitter.